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Derbyshire Scribes :: Writers' Workshops :: Poetry :: If Only I could
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AuthorTopic: If Only I could (Read 139 times)
christineplant
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If Only I could
« Thread Started on Feb 19, 2008, 3:46pm »		[Quote]

ACTION MAN – Can you hear my screams?
I even see him in my dreams.
DREAMS? Nightmares more the word,
Since Christmas, that’s all I’ve heard!
Its Action Man this and Action Man that,
His bits are spread all over my flat.
Truck, jeep, snowmobile and buggy –
He’s even got a barking doggy!
As well as:
Guns, knives and exploding bits.
(I’ve already had three direct hits),
Videos, backpacks, clothes and hats,
Tools, boots, gloves, ropes and bats.
Clasps, slings, straps and clips
All stuck on with Velcro strips.
Astronaut, Scuba diver and Marine,
Soldier, Sailor – AND MORE – I’VE SEEN!
Its “Nanny, take this off and put this on.”
I grin and say “Alright son.”
Action Man is driving me mad –
I’m contemplating something bad.
I want to dispose of him… every bit,
But my grandson would have a fit.


I am not keen on the last line - any ideas?

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dazednconfused
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Re: If Only I could
« Reply #1 on Feb 20, 2008, 9:11am »		[Quote]
Hi Christine,
I've played with the last two lines but what I have come up with...well I'm not sure its in keeping with the beautifully simplistic, almost childlike, style of the poem. Here goes;

ACTION MAN – Can you hear my screams?
I even see him in my dreams.
DREAMS? Nightmares more the word,
Since Christmas, that’s all I’ve heard!
Its Action Man this and Action Man that,
His bits are spread all over my flat.
Truck, jeep, snowmobile and buggy –
He’s even got a barking doggy!
As well as:
Guns, knives and exploding bits.
(I’ve already had three direct hits),
Videos, backpacks, clothes and hats,
Tools, boots, gloves, ropes and bats.
Clasps, slings, straps and clips
All stuck on with Velcro strips.
Astronaut, Scuba diver and Marine,
Soldier, Sailor – AND MORE – I’VE SEEN!
Its “Nanny, take this off and put this on.”
I grin and say “Alright son.”
Action Man is driving me mad –
I’m contemplating something bad.
I want him disposed of, I want him to go
But Grandsons whim beats Grandma’s woe!

Hopefully someone can come up with something a bit better!!!
D x

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D x
Roland Gray
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Re: If Only I could
« Reply #2 on Feb 20, 2008, 3:40pm »		[Quote]
ACTION MAN – Can you hear my screams?
I even see him in my dreams.
DREAMS? Nightmares more the word,
Since Christmas, that’s all I’ve heard!
Its Action Man this and Action Man that,
His bits are spread all over my flat.
Truck, jeep, snowmobile and buggy –
He’s even got a barking doggy!
As well as:
Guns, knives and exploding bits.
(I’ve already had three direct hits),
Videos, backpacks, clothes and hats,
Tools, boots, gloves, ropes and bats.
Clasps, slings, straps and clips
All stuck on with Velcro strips.
Astronaut, Scuba diver and Marine,
Soldier, Sailor – AND MORE – I’VE SEEN!
Its “Nanny, take this off and put this on.”
I grin and say “Alright son.”
Action Man is driving me mad –
I’m contemplating something bad.

I want him gone, gone without trace
But how? without tears down my Grandson’s face

Just an idea, a prompt maybe to get you working on that perfect line ;D

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terry2
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Re: If Only I could
« Reply #3 on Mar 5, 2008, 3:59pm »		[Quote]
I like it christine. Believable to anyone with Grand sons, and funny.

Suggestion for an alternative last line (although I'm not sure it's an improvement)...

But would my grandson stand for it?

Terry

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seanswan
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Re: If Only I could
« Reply #4 on May 17, 2008, 2:02pm »		[Quote]

Feb 19, 2008, 3:46pm, christineplant wrote:

ACTION MAN ? Can you hear my screams?
I even see him in my dreams.
DREAMS? Nightmares more the word,
Since Christmas, that?s all I?ve heard!
Its Action Man this and Action Man that,
His bits are spread all over my flat.
Truck, jeep, snowmobile and buggy ?
He?s even got a barking doggy!
As well as:
Guns, knives and exploding bits.
(I?ve already had three direct hits),
Videos, backpacks, clothes and hats,
Tools, boots, gloves, ropes and bats.
Clasps, slings, straps and clips
All stuck on with Velcro strips.
Astronaut, Scuba diver and Marine,
Soldier, Sailor ? AND MORE ? I?VE SEEN!
Its ?Nanny, take this off and put this on.?
I grin and say ?Alright son.?
Action Man is driving me mad ?
I?m contemplating something bad.
I want to dispose of him? every bit,
But my grandson would have a fit.


I am not keen on the last line - any ideas?



Christine

If you hadn't used 'hit' on a prior line, I would have suggested:-

"So I'll make sure he gets a writ
my mafia mate will do the hit"

So how about you alter lines 10 and 11 to:-

"Pistol-packed and landmine bits
enough gunfire to give you a fit"

Best Regards
Sean
« Last Edit: May 17, 2008, 2:12pm by seanswan »Link to Post - Back to Top  IP: Logged
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